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‘The Bachelor’: Jake Picks Vienna, plus Dancing with the Stars 10 cast announced

It’s the season finale of The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love, with Jake Pavelka choosing (by force) to propose to either Tenley, the sweet girl with emotional baggage, or Vienna, the two-faced vixen. I skipped the first half hour of the two-hour finale, knowing it’s full of recapping what’s already happened and some of Tenley meeting Jake’s family, which went as well as can be expected… We pick up with Vienna meeting Jake’s family…

It’s not a good sign for relationship prospects when Jake says, “I feel like I’m trying to talk people into Vienna.” But that’s what he’s doing, convincing his family Vienna is just as good of wife material as Tenley. It’s like he’s trying to convince himself. He also adds, “She’s not as mature as Tenley.”

For all the crap people say about Vienna (Twitter was ablaze Monday night with anti-Vienna propaganda), she does have sweet things to say about him- “I can’t see my life without him … I  can see spending the rest of my life with him … I can see me stalking him for years to come.” I may have made part of that up.

Jake takes Vienna to some sulfur springs, which smell terrible and are muddy, Vienna says. That’s not love in the air- that’s sulfur. The couple roll around in the mud, anxious as ever for the cameras to turn off so they really get down and dirty. Aw, look, Vienna wrote “I Love You” in mud on his chest. If that doesn’t say it all, what does?

Can we just put it out there: Vienna is the girl Jake wants to spend the night with. Tenley is the girl he wants to take home to mom. It’s so very, very obvious.

Vienna gives Jake her “I’m not going to elope again” ring… How, uh, sweet? It’s the ring she gave to her dad promising she wouldn’t run off and get married like she did last time (She was married for three weeks), and would wait until she was really in love. “There was no love, passion, nothing… we were being really dumb kids” Vienna says. She said she broke her dad’s heart. But now she’s on a reality TV show, bringing on criticism and ridicule from countless strangers and weekly embarrassment while she tries to secure the heart of some guy she just met.

At this point on Twitter (I was live Tweeting this whole thing @realbloggerofyc), everyone is ripping on Vienna’s roots. I’d ask her hair stylist about it, but she’s hiding in a corner somewhere, in fear someone would identify her as the culprit.

Time for Tenley’s date: Jake is so excited to see Tenley’s smile. Aw, shucks.  I wonder if she’s going to dance and talk about her ex-husband again. It wouldn’t be an episode of “On the Wings of Love” without it.

Jake worries about the lack of physical chemistry, which he says isn’t sexual chemistry, but “crazy mad passionate love.” I’m not sure he knows what sexual chemistry is. And I’m not sure how he expects her to react to this. I also wonder why Jake looks constipated every time he has to ask a serious question.

Tenley: “Tonight is the night I prove to Jake our chemistry is real in every single way.” I.E., I’m going to *wink* do whatever it takes. *double wink* Oh, she’ll regret this one.

“There is no doubt in my mind Tenley would be an amazing wife,” Jake says. Well, geez, Jake just gave away his decision. He didn’t say, “… would be an amazing wife for me.” If Tenley doesn’t get picked, she’s going to be a total wreck. She’s still getting over her ex-husband, let alone getting over Jake and public humiliation.

After the dates, “Bachelor” producers show Tenley poolside, looking bubbly and happy. They show Vienna in the shower. Yeah, everybody is getting equal treatment on this show.

Jake gets two engagement rings and now is left to contemplate. Knowing how difficult ring shopping is, how in the world is he confident he chose the right ring, let alone the right woman? Why is this not brought up more each season?

As the girls fly in on helicopters, awaiting their fate, Tenley says she thinks this is the “First day of the rest of my life.” It is, Tenley. Except you’ll be alone the rest of your life, the way this is looking. And then who will be there for all your sunshine and rainbows kisses?

Decision time: And the first girl Jake sees is … Tenley. Bad sign. He tells her how great she is, and then says she’s not for him, as Twitter virtually explodes with anger at his decision. Tenley says she didn’t know she could love somebody so much, and she doesn’t regret it (except for that fantasy suite night- I bet she regrets that). Jake looks completely and utterly… OK. Just, well, not too bad, really, thanks for asking.

Jake says some part of him “isn’t natural” when he’s with Tenley (is anything natural on this show? Is anything natural on parts of Vienna?). Tenley is devastated, and yet still defends him and says Jake is a good man. A good man who led her on for several weeks.

The final rose: “For 31 years I’ve dreamt of a moment like this,” Jake says, revealing that he must have been a psychic as a child to have dreamed about being on a reality TV dating show. He says he wouldn’t propose to Vienna “unless I was 100 percent sure” (and had the producer’s endorsement).

He proposes to Vienna, who has some kind of weird hair thing going on. She is excited beyond belief (hey, we’re all beyond belief at this point) as “On the wings of Love” plays and a video montage is shown highlighting all the tender moments the two shared. At this point, Twitterers were trying to give odds on whether the two would still be together on After the Final Rose.

AFTR: Yes, yes they were together. After seeing Tenley say she’s moving on with her life, we see Jake and Vienna together. Vienna says all the stuff said on the Internet (perhaps even this blog!) about her isn’t true. She makes a good point that no one should believe some random person who knew her as a kid and now thinks he or she knows everything about her. I get that. What I don’t get is how she thinks people are making up stuff about how she was a Hooters waitress, how she has topless photos or any of the other myriad rumors going on about her. At least some of that must be true.

But Jake says he could care less about what people (or, evidently, his family, who must have been disappointed he didn’t pick Tenley) think about his fiance. They haven’t set a wedding date yet, but they will eventually. One of these days. Down the road.

Next Bachelorette: We also find out that Ali is the next Bachelorette. How she got off more time from her job at Facebook, after already having to quit The Bachelor to go back to her job, no one knows. I don’t think she’ll make for great TV, as I found her whiny and immature, even though she and Jake had great chemistry.
Bonus: The next cast of Dancing With the Stars was announced. Jake will be one of the dancers! If he’s that stiff on The Bachelor, how do they expect he’ll do dancing? Wouldn’t Tenley have been good for that? All she wants to do is dance!

The season premiere is March 22. Here are the other Dancing with the Stars cast members:

Buzz Aldrin, 80, astronaut (a random selection if I’ve ever seen one)
Pam Anderson, 42, of Baywatch (and sex tape fame)

Erin Andrews, 31, ESPN reporter (she’s the one who had someone secretly tape her in her hotel room)
Shannen Doherty, 38, actress (90210)
Kate Gosselin, 34, reality TV mom (needs no introduction)
Evan Lysacek, 24, Olympic gold medal skater (the anti-Johnny Weir, who would have made a better selection)
Niecy Nash, 40, Reno 911! actress
Chad Ochocinco, 32, NFL star (Cincinnati Bengals receiver)
Aiden Turner, 33, All My Children actor

Nicole Scherzinger, 31, Pussycat Doll (who has evidently bottomed out)

‘The Bachelor’ On The Wings of Love: What’s your fantasy, Jake?

After the sudden exit by Ali last week on “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love,” poor Jake was left with just three beautiful, lonely women to choose from. It’s tough being Jake. This week, Ali tries to weasel her way back on the show, Jake has “fantasy” dates with the three girls, and he makes a not-so-tough-after-all decision at the end.

Here’s last week’s recap if you missed it.

The Bachelor sends the remaining survivors to Saint Lucia, ensuring lots of sand, sun and bikinis. First, Jake recalls his earlier thoughts on the girls, so that 1) He can realize why he likes each one and 2) ABC can stretch this 30-minute show into 2 hours again.
For Gia, Jake said he thought she was basically just a brainless knock-out. But then he had “the most amazing date I’ve ever had” with her, and that changed his mind.
For Tenley, we get to see her reading her intro to him, how she has values, how she likes to have a good time, how she can make herself sound like any generic description of a person.
Vienna started out asking to see his abs. That was a portent of crazy things to come, Jake.
Now we get to see Ali, who quit last week to save her job. Allegedly, she’s back in San Fran, at home. Except, she’s wearing a white robe and has 8×10 glossies of Jake beside her bed. So…. is ABC hoping we just don’t notice this is as staged as “The Hills”? Ali says she misses Jake and blah blah and wants to get Jake back.

Date time with Gia: The wind screens on the mics must be working overtime. It looks like Jake and Gia will blow away, but she is looking real good. If she lets go of her anxiety, she’ll be a frontrunner. Jake says he* (* producers) wants to take Gia to local shops for the date, giving the locals a good chance to ogle Gia and stare in confusion at the silly Americans using a reality show to find love. P.S. Jake dances like the whitest of white guys. He likes Gia so much, but again, it’s all too obvious he won’t make the obvious choice and go with the girl he has the most sexual chemistry and overall compatibility with. Poor Gia thinks Jake will tell her he loves her and that he’s done with the other girls, right there, right then.

“I would love nothing more than to see Gia open up completely” Jake says of Gia’s personality.

He may get his chance, either way, as Gia has a chance to stay with him in the “fantasy suite.” Gia hops on (OK, let’s just call a spade a spade here- she even said she’s “ready to go all the way”). That has to be awkward being near-naked in a bathtub with a camera guy 5 feet away.

Now that Gia and Jake had their, um, “fantasy” night, it’s Tenley’s turn.  They are going flying in a helicopter, which hasn’t been done on The Bachelor since earlier this season. Original! Tenley reminds us she was cheated on last time she was married, in case you forgot. Jake tells Tenley he can take her anyplace in the world, since he’s a pilot (betcha he’s used that line before). I hope it’s not an exotic location- this humidity is killing Tenley’s hair.

Tenley keeps saying she’s never “spent the night” with anyone but her ex-husband. Are they not allowed to say “sex” on this show? They say it on kids’ shows now, for goodness sake. Jake says he’s never been able to be himself like he is with Tenley, which is strange, because he seemed pretty at ease with Gia.

“I hope there’s a lifetime of dancing” she says after they slow dance.

Jake says he’s really excited about her reading about the fantasy suite- well, who wouldn’t be, Jake? Tenley says yes to spending the night, a bit of a surprise. Jake says he absolutely cannot wait to… (he pauses and stutters) “watch our first sunrise.” Oh, c’mon, Jake!

Time for Vienna’s date: Jake wants the fun, carefree Vienna back, not the crazy, stressed Vienna. Would you settle for the naked Vienna? Cause you’re a fantasy suite away from that. The two have a date on a pirate ship, which is cool. Unlike the first two dates, Jake brings up the other two girls when he is with Vienna. Vienna responds by saying she loves him. Jake shuts her up with his mouth (notice he never tells a girl he loves her). Then the two spend the night together. Nakedish.

Surprise! Ali calls and tells Jake she still wants him. Jake, it’s not worth the drama, man, or the fake, scripted drama, either. Jake (or the producers) says no, and Ali is left to work at Facebook and wait for her chance next season, where she’ll make a mediocre Bachelorette, if that happens ((just ask RealitySteve- he even knows this year’s winner).

Rose ceremony time: Tenley gets the first rose. Vienna gets the second. And Gia, through no fault of her own (less emotional baggage than Tenley, more stable than Vienna), gets the shaft. Jake doesn’t seem broken up about it at all. I mean, at all. He was in “love” with her, and yet sounds like he’s letting down a schoolgirl crush.

Bikini models can cry, too, Jake. Bikini models cry, too.

‘The Bachelor’ On The Wings of Love: You win some, you have some quit on you

It’s hometown date time on “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love.” Jake reminds us it’s “a huge thing” to propose to a girl within a few weeks. And by “huge thing,” he means fabricated ratings event that may or may not be a sham but will suck me in anyway. Let’s jump into this episode (apologies for the delay in posting). Here’s last week’s recap if you missed it.

• Gia’s hometown date, in New York City: She says she can let her guard down with the other ladies gone. Gia points out all the landmarks in New York City, in case Jake - the pilot - had no idea what the Statue of Liberty looks like.
• Jake has a “burning desire” to get to know Gia’s “heart” when he kisses her. Yep. That’s exactly what his burning desire is for. Gia’s ex cheated on her with all of her friends. Sounds like she needs new friends.
• Donna, Gia’s mom, is worried Jake is going to break Gia’s heart. She does know how this show works, right?
• Gia’s brother looks like the forgotten Backstreet Boy. And her mom is sure Jake is going to choose Gia. She must not read the spoilers. Even though Jake is as happy as he ever has been with Gia, you know he’s going to screw her over. Must be the brunette hair. Bonus points for Gia having a good-looking mom, though. Keep that in mind, Jake.
• Ali’s date, in Williamstown, Mass.: Ali technically gets her second chance to show Jake where she is from, with San Fran the first time, and this time her hometown. It took Ali all of 5 seconds to mention Vienna. Clever editing or not, no one is putting Vienna’s name on Ali’s lips but her.
• With Ali, Jake seems totally at ease. He doesn’t seem like he’s testing her. The only hangup is the whole Vienna thing. If I was Jake, that would be a dealbreaker. But I’m not Jake, because that would mean I’m making out with four women and wear a lot of plaid.
• Ali takes Jake to her dead grandma’s house. I hope the new owners aren’t moved in, peering out the window and wondering who these strange people are on the steps.
• Family meet-up time, as Ali tries to make us believe she would stop liking Jake if her mom didn’t like him. Her mom, Beth, says she Googled Jake to get his background. Good thing she didn’t Google Gia or Vienna. R-rated (Vienna has a topless shot, Gia was in Maxim… and, actually, Ali had a wardrobe malfunction this season)! Beth gives Jake her blessing. And Ali says she’d get engaged if Jake asked her; Jake responds by shutting her up with his mouth.
• Tenley’s hometown visit in Newberg, Oregon: Is it me, or does she always seem like she’s on the verge from either crying or exploding? Like the squeaky clean stuff is just barely holding on.
• Tenley says all types of things her ex-husband never appreciated about her, such as her dance moves. Let’s be honest, she’s auditioning for Dancing with the Stars. *cough Melissa Rycroft cough*
• Jake hopes the family interview will help him confirm Tenley is over her ex-husband. You know, the ex-husband she talks about all the time. Um, yeah, Jake. She’s over him. If by over, you mean, “You’re her rebound.”
• Tenley’s dad said he watched The Bachelorette when Jake was on it and wished Tenley would meet a guy like Jake, and now here he is. He even gets teary-eyed talking to Tenley about the conversation the two had. Now I see where Tenley gets it.
• Is there a rule that says Bachelor contestants must have well-off families, by the way? You never see a family visit in an apartment complex or trailer park. It’s always well-to-do families with girls who were going to find a man, regardless. Let’s mix it up and get in some girls who have concerns beyond just finding a husband. Anyway, Tenley’s dad gives Jake the blessing to marry his daughter.
• Vienna’s home visit in Sanford, Florida: Please tell me this involves a swamp ride. Well, it kind of does, as Vienna notes she “grew up on the river.” Take that for what you will.
• Producers are mean to play hillbilly banjo music when Vienna’s dad is talking. What, he doesn’t deserve the right to defend his daughter? He actually points out Jake is technically dating four girls at once. At least one of the dads isn’t pandering to him.
• If Jake really is in love with all four of these very different girls, then maybe he doesn’t really know what he wants. Gia AND Ali? Tenley AND Vienna? But it looks like his rose ceremony decision just got a little easier. Ali drops by, in tears. Her employer (she works for Facebook!) says they’ll fire her if she doesn’t quit the show, although if it’s Facebook, wouldn’t they want the publicity of having a Bachelor winner on staff? Another thought- if Jake really wanted her, he could just eliminate the other girls and get with Ali after the show is over. There is nothing saying he can’t do that. So, no matter who he chooses, I think there is that possibility Ali is his real choice behind-the-scenes.
• Jake comforts her by saying they “have something really special” and that she should figure out if she’ll regret losing him or losing her job more. Way to go, Jake. Unless Jake knew for sure he wants to marry her, he should man up and just eliminate her, so that she doesn’t feel like it was her fault. Or call up Facebook and tell them to stop being all Myspacey. By the way, didn’t Ali tell Facebook about the length of time she could potentially miss? They must have known, which means they probably told her don’t go in the first place or we’ll fire you, and at this point, they are tired of it. Or it means they probably thought she was going to get kicked off right away and figured it wouldn’t be a big problem. Ah, speculation.
• Rose ceremony time. They have those photo frames set up like Jake is at a funeral parlor mourning their loss. They’re not dead! They’re just kinda desperate! So Ali talks to Jake one last time, and decides she can’t risk not getting with Jake in the end and losing her job. When the going gets tough, Ali gets going back to work. Jake says he’ll be devastated if she leaves, but me thinks the three beautiful women downstairs will soften the blow. And considering Ali is a whimpering, dress-up-her-thighs, mascara-running mess right now, Jake looks calm and collected.
• By the way, Jake never really does much “Oh please don’t leave!” pleading, other than some basic “We kinda have something going here” comments. If I was Ali, I think in hindsight I’d think about that and wonder if he was as committed as I was.
• “I don’t know if I made the right choice,” Ali says as her limo pulls away. She better have one sweet job at Facebook, like VP of Status Updates or President of Farmville or something.
• But this all means no rose ceremony, so in a way, Jake avoids having to make a decision. It was made for him. He looks elated because of that, as he clearly loathes rose ceremonies. So do viewers, but that’s because they drag on for 45 minutes.
• Getting roses: Gia, Tenley and Vienna. We’re down to the final three, and with Ali out of the way, Vienna has a major roadblock to Jake gone.

‘The Bachelor’ On The Wings of Love: Jake Left His Heart in San Francisco

After last week’s episode of “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love,” if I was to rank the girls based on best fit for Jake, from worst fit to best fit, I’d say Vienna, Ali, Corrie, Tenley and Gia. Corrie is probably more of a fit than he thinks, but he never pays attention. Ali has a worse personality than he realizes. Vienna is crazy. Tenley is still getting over her last relationship, but is otherwise a good match. And Gia- they fit together so well. So you know that means she is doomed this episode.

• I can’t believe Vienna is still around. Of course, Ali REALLY can’t believe it. She spent the last few minutes of last episode talking about how much she can’t believe it.
• Tenley gets the first date. They go to Chinatown, try some suckling pig, and write a fortune cookie for each other … Why does Jake keep saying Tenley is patient? She got the first kiss and the first rose, and more attention. If she’s patient, Corrie is a saint.
• Ali and Vienna have the two-person date… Ha! Fakeout by Corrie! I like her more and more. Gia and Vienna are getting the two-on-one instead. Opportunity missed, ABC
• Jake says Tenley is the woman he can most see as his wife, so she’s the front-runner. Tenley says her biggest mistake in her marriage was… not getting up to greet her husband when he got home. Uh, ok?
• Jake’s turtleneck is so high, it’s a turtlenose. Meanwhile, Tenley is the first girl to ask Jake if he’ll be able to stay faithful with his job as a pilot. He says “cheating is a choice,” although he doesn’t elaborate if he would make the choice to get with the flight attendant … They both wrote “Kiss me” on their fortune cookie. That’s either cute, or nauseating. Or both.
• Jake says it’s “almost awkward” to be on a two-on-one date, and he doesn’t know how to balance time between the two of them. I know how Bret Michaels would solve this on “Rock of Love Bus,” but I guess that’s not an option on network television.
• Vienna does her eye makeup like she’s going for the raccoon look. And then she continues her delusional blabbering, wondering why Gia gets alone time with Jake if it’s Vienna’s date. No, Vienna, it’s a two-on-one date. That’s how this works. And eye shadow works best in moderate amounts.
• Now Jake says he’s falling for Gia. He’s practically Pepe Le Pew with all this love stuff. But he also said he gets nervous around her because she’s so pretty; he said the same thing to Kathryn, then he eliminated her. Just saying … Oh, good. Vienna is still crazy. She’s snooping around the castle trying to find them. “I want my boyfriend,” she says. Your boyfriend was making out with a bikini model, Vienna. I’m kinda surprised he didn’t just ask both girls to stay in his bed. He even said he had “dirty thoughts” when Vienna snuck into his room, but he wanted to keep it “Rated G” for reasons I’ll never understand.
• Corrie finally gets a one-on-one date. I’m surprised Jake remembered she was on the show. They paddle around a pond, hoping for a romantic kiss. Except Corrie wouldn’t make a move. It was “The Notebook” without the rain. Or the making out. Or the romance. Or Rachel McAdams for that matter, who would do awesome on this show … Jake says he wishes things would go faster, as Corrie seems unaware this episode is only two hours long … She also is saving herself for marriage, which makes her the virgin of the group. That’s either going to help her or hurt her.
• Ali gets a one-on-one date, taking advantage of her hometown, San Francisco. She always appears like she is trying a little hard to impress him. It makes everything feel a little unnatural, no matter what Jake says … If anything, her low-cut dress/straddling technique will help. He has got a bad case of the Alis.
• Ali says Jake sometimes doesn’t see the things about Vienna other people see, which is ironic, considering sometimes Jake doesn’t see everything about her. Pot. Kettle. Black. Then she continues her fluff about how she’s behind Jake “100 percent,” except she isn’t, because if he keeps Vienna, she is again going to flip.
• Corrie is going home first. Let it be known I wrote this sentence before it happens, even before her conversation with Jake before the elimination. Jake says it’s OK she’s a virgin, because “it’s not about sex appeal. It’s about heart appeal.” Which is news to all the girls he sent home because he said he didn’t feel a sexual chemistry.
• Chris Harrison comes in to recap what’s happened so far and to help stretch out the two hours. It wouldn’t be time for elimination without endless clips of previously seen footage.
• Vienna is looking busted at the rose ceremony. It needed to be said. Compared to Gia, Tenley, Corrie and Ali, it’s the Hertz rental car next to the Mercedes.
• Tenley, Ali and Gia get roses … and so does Vienna, so Corrie is done-zo(called it!). Corrie just missed out on the “Meet the Parents” episode, which would have greatly improved her chances. I’m scared of what Vienna’s family will be like. Hold me.
• Jake says he was worried Corrie “would never open up.” I’ll leave you to make your own comments on that, but I think it reflects poorly on Jake that he says on one hand Corrie has the kind of value he respects and admires, and then ditches her to keep a girl in Ali that has been trashtalking the whole time, and in Vienna that obviously is far from Corrie’s values. Something isn’t matching up.

‘The Bachelor’ On The Wings of Love: Rock of Bachelor Bus

Last week, we saw some interesting twists on “The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love.” Elizabeth basically self-eliminated herself by being a non-tease tease. Michelle quit after saying her kiss with Jake sucked, and not in a good way. But this week’s episode has even more twists, including a surprise at the end that makes Ali so mad, she turns into a backstabbing, foul-mouthed diva. Oh, wait, that happened already? OK, well more of the same.

• So this just turned into Rock of Love Bus.This week, the girls and Jake are piling into RVs for a trip up the coast. Nothing creates drama more than love-starved, medication-pumped women crammed into an RV.
• Oh, Ella. “I’m ready to get my romance with Jake rolling down the highway of love.” Oh, oh, Ella. Less talking, more smiling.
• Jake pitched a tent in the middle of a vineyard. That’s not weird at all. Who hasn’t done that before?
• Ali is convinced if she and Vienna are chosen for the 2-on-1 date, she’ll come out the winner. Unfortunately, Ali, in that scenario, there are no winners. Especially not Jake. Ali’s only memorable quality so far is her wardrobe malfunction last episode.
• Are Corrie and Jessie still on this show? Crew members are getting more face time this season than they are. Anyway, Gia gets the solo date. Vienna, who is from Florida, said Jake likes Southern girls who like the outdoors, not Northern, city girls like Gia. Vienna, Florida is not “Southern” in any sense beyond geography. It’s transplanted Northerners. At least when you’re making jealous, snide remarks, be accurate.
• Jake and Gia play hide and seek (?!?!) in the vineyard. “It seems like the beginning of a fairytale,” Jake said. … Gia said she used to be a nerd (Gia, I was a nerd. I know nerds. Nerds don’t end up looking like you unless it’s a fairyt.. oh geez). Jake said he was called “Mr. Dateless” in school. Actually, this is a cute, honest conversation. They’re even playing spin the bottle. They probably played seven minutes in heaven, too, but it was cut for content… Jake is totally digging Gia. If this was a cartoon, his eyes would be popping out and “Bazooookkaa” would be heard.
• Even though the New York City girl is out of her element, she’s being a good sport. Jake said camping outdoors “is actually me.” Camping outdoors probably is a lot more fun with production assistants setting up the tent and pre-building the firepit. Not so fun: The other girls can literally see Jake and Gia’s campsite from where they are. That’s a little too voyeuristic. And that’s not to mention the cameraman standing beside the fire, filming them. Even with all that, Gia gets the first rose.
• Oh, Vienna: “Jake’s my boyfriend.” No, honey, no he’s not. He’s a reality show contestant who gets to make out with a different girl every night. “Have your fun with him, because I’m going to marry him.” Great, she’s getting worse. Doctor! We’ve got a delusional patient!
• Group date: Dune buggy riding on the beach, followed by sand surfing. Tenley thinks her least attractive moment is when she has sand on her face. Perhaps she didn’t see her just-out-of-bed look last episode. But Jake’s loving her. Ashleigh and Jessie, by the way, are practically invisible. They need a solo date, pronto. Corrie, however, mans up by snagging some alone time. Congratulations on learning how to play the game.
• Jake has to decide who gets the next rose. If I was on this show, I’d bring a decoy rose and trick the girl into thinking she already gave me one. “Oh, you don’t remember our solo date? It was magical.” Ashleigh’s alone time is awkward to watch, as she doesn’t want to appear desperate but is draped on him like a Jersey Shore cast member. Ali said she’ll support Jake “no matter what,” meaning “no matter what unless you pick Vienna over me.” Tenley says she hasn’t dated since her husband cheated on her– so Jake is her rebound guy? And Vienna gets advice from Jake on how not to be a two-faced diva. Did they even show Jessie or Corrie? C’mon. Tenley gets the second rose. Jake said he had ignored her at first, if by ignoring he meant kissed her before any other girl.
• Ella and Kathryn (who is so unknown, I didn’t even spell her name right last episode) will go on the two-on-one date, with the loser going home. If this ends in anything but hair being pulled and names called, I’ll be disappointed. This is such a contrived set-up. No one in their right mind would go on a two-on-one date. Kathryn’s so far out of the running, she’s more like a 5th wheel than a 3rd. They try to make us think Jake has a big decision. Uh-huh, and Avatar won’t win any Oscars, either. Kathryn does the proper thing and tells Jake he’s being a jerk for putting her in this horrible position, like a discarded toy. Woohoo, Kathryn! Jake comes up with some nonsensical answer about being lost in her beauty blah blah.
• Umm… Jake threw a major curveball. He’s ditching Ella, who was one of the more charming, mature women. Well, she’s also one of the few he hasn’t really kissed, so I can see it. Kathryn gets the third rose… or not! She’s getting kicked off, too. Stunning.
• That means Jessie, who has barely said a word; Corrie, who has barely been on screen; and Vienna, who is all sorts of crazy, made it further than Ella, somehow. Jake’s getting some one-on-one-time with everyone before he makes his final cut.
• Jessie decides her best bet is to throw Vienna under the bus to avoid getting the hook herself. Jessie, at this point, you might as well have flashed Jake, because you’re hanging by a thread.
• Rose time: Ali and Corrie get roses… then Jake gets emotional. In a staged moment (why else would Chris have his mic be on backstage?), Jake asks Chris if he can just give one rose instead of two! Dramz! And of course ABC lets him do it, because it’s all kinds of awesome.
• And he keeps Vienna, who really must have done some special under-the-water hot tub maneuver two episodes ago to be sticking around after all the trash talk. Jessie and Ashleigh, who never had a connection with Jake that we saw, are going home.
• Ali spends the rest of the show swearing under her breath and questioning Jake’s decision making. Jake, it’s your potential future wife, Ali!